


Hard to love

by The_silent_smile



Series: The not-so-happy life of Anthony Edward Stark [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, No Happy Ending Fest, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 20:40:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19180981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_silent_smile/pseuds/The_silent_smile
Summary: She seemed to shift, suddenly showing very clear discomfort with whatever she wanted to tell him or discuss with or for him."It's awful timing. But this can't really wait.We need to talk about us.""Us?""Yes Tony, us.""What about us?""Us, you and me. I don't- I can't do this anymore Tones. I love you, I really do. But this? This isn't healthy.





	Hard to love

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the quote 'you made it look so easy when I was so hard to love.'  
> Post IW, not Endgame compliant.
> 
> Once again, heavy angst so mind the tags.

"Tony..." Pepper. Peppers voice, breathy and wet and angry tones blended with the angry red slashes that cut through his vision. 

As he opened his eyes he realised it wasn't a dream. Not this time.  
The ceiling was solid, not made out of shattered glass and swimming skies like in many of the hallucinations he had had since he had come back.  
Though he wasn't sure if reality was any better.

"Tony, please, I know you're up."

He turned his head to face her, strands of strawberry blonde hair framing her face, one falling over her eye like many magazines would have the models do on purpose, eyes clouded and dark.  
That was nothing new. He hated how he had gotten used to that look in her eyes. The one of worry. Of intense grief. 

There was something else there. Something hidden and terrifying. He didn't look further. Was too afraid of what he might find to do so.

"Get up please."  
He gave her a small nod and heaved himself up into a seated position, looking up at her with sunken in eyes and a face devoided of any emotions. Tired. If that was an emotion that was the only one he knew too describe his current state as. Tired.

"Pep, I thought you had a meeting... you-you had..."  
"I can't trust you alone right now Tony."

There was no question. No space for a counterargument.  
Not that he had one. He understood. And others would as well if they took only one glance at the scene around them.

His laboratory was in pieces, two tables blasted by a repulsor that laid burned and broken on the floor. The tech that was in reach either burned by an overload of energy or thrown somewhere else.  
The only functional and clean thing was the suit that laid on the table he was sat against.

His suit.

The engineer himself looked as bad if not worse as his workstation.

Beverages of alcoholic origin scattered around him like glass shards around one of the windows that separated the room from the flight of stairs going up to his living quarters. His scratched open arm pulsating an angry red where his nails had pierced the skin.

"Well, I can't look you in the eye after what I've done. So that's gonna be a problem."

He had expected many things to come firing back at him. Maybe a sight because this was one out of countless times he had blamed himself for what had happened. Maybe another way she had found that would help to comfort him.

He didn't expect the angry reply he got.

"For fuck sake Tony you didn't kill him! His goddamn aunt is working again and she knew him for most of his life!"

RIght after she had finished she froze, eyes widening as she noticed how he was now just staring blankly at a spot behind her, frown that she hadn't been able to get of off his face since he returned deepened slightly.

"Tones I'm sorry I didn't-"

"I keep seeing his face."

"I know."

"He was so scared Pep. And I couldn't save him."

"I know."

After a few seconds of silence Pepper stirred. That seemed to get him out of whatever flashback he was backpaddling into as he wiped his face, a habit more then a needed motion as it was dry and no tears had shed yet.

"Anyway. Enough sob stories for today. What did you need dear?"

With that she seemed to shift, suddenly showing very clear discomfort with whatever she wanted to tell him or discuss with or for him.

"It's awful timing. But this can't really wait.  
We need to talk about us."

"Us?"

"Yes Tony, us."

"What about us?"

"Us, you and me. I don't- I can't do this anymore Tones. I love you, I really do. But this? This isn't healthy. It all seemed so easy before. The engagement, even having a child it all seemed natural. But after all that happened, I can't... We can't. Not anymore."

It felt strange, breaking up. He realised he hadn't shown any reaction or emotion in general towards the news and probably should. But what would be a normal reaction to the first stable relationship he had had, the first person he was certain he could not live without, telling him it was over.

He decided there wasn't any. And he'd just see what would happen, what he'd say.

"That's- that's alright. You're not happy. I thought you were. I'm sorry."

He sounded like a teenager having his first heartbreak. Like one of those love songs that heartbroken young white boys sing. With high notes about how they will never find love again.

Though he realised he might live one of those love songs right this second as he dared to look at her again. Tired. Her eyes mirrored his. There was no love, not anymore. No grief or anger. She was just tired.

"I want to help you through this, I really do. Just not as your girlfriend."

That one stung a bit. She hadn't used 'wife'. They hadn't married yet but he referred to her as his wife in his mind. Maybe that was just him being selfish. Him trying to convince himself he was able to have something he never truly would.

"Then how would you do that?"

"As a friend Tony."

"A friend..."

The sting became sharper as he realised that wouldn't work.  
He loved her, he really did. He had poured his heart out for her and showed her the parts of him none had ever even dared to come close too. He had given her his all and she still held his heart, even if he did no longer hold hers.

"That's not possible. I wouldn't be able to do that Pep."

"Why not?"

A flicker of anger in her voice, maybe the exhaustion was getting to her emotions, maybe she was just done with explaining the specifics of a breakup to him like he was a five-year-old.

"I'm not good at this. Moving on I mean. I never have been. I love you. I'm not begging you to stay, not even asking you to do so because I can see this is hurting you. I don't know why, maybe memories tied to my person or this building, maybe just me in general. Maybe the spark had gone maybe there never was one. But I love you Pep. I can't switch that off or move on so easily and you know that. You know me.  
Hell, I tried to murder a guy who killed my parents and that was decades ago."

She laughed wetly at the last part, though it didn't contain humour, not even any emotion really. Though the other words came raining down on her, soaking them in her brows frowned slightly more then they had, wrinkling the smooth skin on her forehead and between her eyebrows, the glabella, Bruce had told him once.

"I'm not asking you to move on. I'm asking you to understand and try to be civil with me."

"And I am asking you to not bother with trying to make me be civil. Pepper I can not look at you without fearing you'll turn to ash. If you go I am sure another man will make you happy, one you do not have to fear will shatter when you touch him or vomit when he sees the colour purple. "

"God Tony I am not talking about seeing another. I'm asking you if you still want me around."

"I told you didn't I? I do. Just not in the way you want to."

"So you're saying that if I can't be with you, you don't want me to be here at all?"

He got it now, the anger. Exhaustion played with both of their minds. A filter that normally split them apart not present and showing them the full, raw picture. Showing the frustration, the anger that had built up and was pressed down suddenly spurt out like angry red flames, threatening to swallow them both. 

 

Though he didn't want to, nor had the energy to fight against it, letting it swallow him as well as he felt the dark, raging anger swell in the pit of his stomach.

"I'm saying I can't do this without you like this. But if you have to go then go! Fully! Not half ass sticking by my side without actually being there!"

"Well if you for once actually saw through that massive ego blown up by thousands of idiots who buy the crappy shit they sell as merch, you would see that others have feelings too! And that not everyone around you is simply there to please you!"

Both of their voices got louder now. Almost yelling at each other as the anger grew, consuming them both fully, drowning out the logic while he faintly realised he got what she meant, why she would leave him.  
She thought he was dead after all. And while he was informed about her being alive and well as she could be as soon as they got close enough to one of the satellites, she worried. And just like him, she couldn't look at him without seeing ashed, imagining how his face would crumble apart like many of her coworkers did, as Happy had done.

"Well believe it or not miss Potts, but I'm not a lot of peoples favourite person! Yeah surprises me too! Guess we both thought my beautiful and extremely likeable personality would get me some fans!"

 

He was screaming now, voice dripping with sarcasm he knew she hated because he hated it too. But he couldn't stop. And she couldn't either. And it got worse.

"You won't even tell me what happened on that goddamn planet! You went out into fucking space Tony!"

"I told you what happened so many goddamn times I got Friday to write them down! I fucking failed that's what I did! They died because I couldn't take one goddamn bullet for half the universe!"

"Yeah well, You put yourself into that position! It wasn't my doing so stop acting like I need to be pitying you!"

"I'm not asking for pity I'm asking you to understand!"

"And I'm telling you I can't because you won't tell me anything-"  
"HE CRUMBLED IN MY FUCKING ARMS."

She was silent now, looking at him with wide eyes. Maybe she wanted to scream back at them, telling him she knew that, that she couldn't change the past and that they had all lost, all mourned. She did none of that. Instead, she took a step back, looking at him with cold eyes, cold heart.

"And you had the nerve to let me slip through them too."

She turned on her heels, spinning around, turning her back on him as all he could do was look.

And he was no longer angry, the rage slipping away from him like water through his bare hands, all that was left was strange sort of sadness.

Numbness, some would call it. He would disagree. He wasn't numb. Could still feel the all-consuming sadness hurting too the very core of his being. But at the same time, he didn't.

And while he understood her point of view- it must've been so incredibly hard for her to live those months knowing not if he was alive, knowing not what was going on. This was bound to happen, after all, most relationships fell apart after the snap, no lovers being able to look at each other properly in fear it might be the last time they were able to do so.

"You made it look so easy." He mumbled, the door falling shut behind her sounding like a cannon going off inside his mind, her heels on the metal staircase rapidly decreasing in volume as she climbed higher.

Then it was gone, and a faint sound showed him that she climbed the other stairs, up to their shared bedroom. 

And only ten minutes later the sounds re-appeared. Them cutting off again with another, final thud. The front door.

And he leaned against the cool metal of the table he was sat against, a headache hammering against his temples, one of the glasses he had clamped in his hands showing small cracks, the thin glass shattering only seconds later, some of the pieces piercing his skin and driving into the palm of his hand.

"When I was so hard to love."

She had been right. She really shouldn't trust him to be alone right now.

**Author's Note:**

> Please know that this is in no way me villanizing Pepper. I love her with all my heart and this is simply my take on a possible situation. She's choosing her own well being and happiness and that's exactly what you should do if a relationship were to harm your mental health or happiness. I just wrote it down like this because I breathe angst.


End file.
